If it worked, it would be working

Questioning my daily habits & wondering if I'll always be a chocolate person

Being a person with ferocious self awareness means I have so much trust in myself that I fall into the habit of thinking I know best. Which means sometimes, I stop myself from trying something because I think I can already guess it won’t work. I do know myself best, but if something isn’t working, that doesn’t mean I already know an alternative won’t work. I still owe it to myself to try.

The key, I’ve learned, is to be curious. Operate from a place of “if it worked it would be working” to force myself to drop assumptions and instead wonder “what if?” about things I hadn’t previously considered. (Shoutout to my coach rae for that line.)

I did The Artist’s Way at the end of last year, and my most unexpected takeaway was how valuable the accountability and structure was for me. I knew I was expected to show up every day for Morning Pages, that I had weekly prompts to work through, an Artist Date to plan and attend. And so I did that.

I’m so intrinsically motivated most of the time that I didn’t consider external structure as the thing I was missing for all the things I want to tend to but haven’t found time for. Moreover, it showed me I can add and change my daily habits. I already have so many daily habits that I didn’t think I had space for anything else. But with a little structure and prompting, change, as ever, is possible.

raise ur hand if ur guilty of this loop too!

I’ve been questioning my work for a while now. In big and small ways. The trajectory of my career remains a mystery, but in the meantime, I’m also working on improving my day-to-day structure. How to compartmentalize meaningfully between clients, improve my concentration, organize my tasks. I bought a fancy planner and multi-color pens for color coordination, a delightfully tactile timer block, and, not for nothing, a mug warmer. My phone is almost never at my desk and I’m happy to report that I spend fewer than 20 minutes a day on Instagram now (probably thanks to how deeply shitty the app has become more than anything else, but hey, I’ll take it).

Something I’ve identified is I know when a rule is hard and fast – and I can’t trick myself. I can tell myself something is due a day earlier than it actually is, but if I know it’s a made-up deadline, I’m going to turn it in on the actual due date. It’s just how my brain works. Similarly, I can’t seem to compel myself to do the unpaid parts of my job, like work on my website. Something I actively want to do, yet I can’t find ways to fold it into my day. It’s not even that it’s unpaid work – it just doesn’t have a deadline.

So, I’m searching for and testing ways to work with my brain to carve out time for these other priorities without feeling forced or overwhelmed. One app, Tody, has transformed my cleaning habits. I’ve always been pretty good at keeping my home clean, but I’d get annoyed trying to remember when to do which task. Tody solves this with a custom task list and schedule, sending you reminders when tasks are due and using a progress bar to keep you in check each month. Apparently, all I needed was something to keep track of all this and the rush of checking “done” to compel myself to clean my shower when the time comes. Blasting music and singing along is a key ingredient. Sometimes a beer is necessary too. Whatever works.

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Having witnessed this overhaul in myself, I’ve been wondering how to apply similar principles to my work life. Clearly I like ticking things off, so what else can I track? So I added website work to my weekly habit tracker and it helps to see it – when’s the last time I worked on it? Am I behind on my twice-per-week goal? I’m good at being consistent, but I want to see it. I want credit for everything! My work ­– my whole life, really – is so independent that I think even seeing proof of effort in a habit tracker feels like a reward. I track a lot of stuff and am always thrilled to add another book, movie, plant to my various apps. I’m the only one who can give myself credit, so I might as well!

Another disparate but relevant thing I’ve noticed is my taste is changing. I’ve been craving tangy and tart desserts more. The part of me that thinks I knows best dismisses this – I’ve always been a chocolate person. But the part of me is change-curious is leaning into it as it comes up.

It’s a small thing, but it’s still flexing the same muscle as questioning my work habits. If I can accept wanting a tart dessert rather than chocolate, I can also accept the evolution of other seemingly mundane behaviors, because they all add up. I never opted for a dessert with cherries before 2025. Life is crazy, anything is possible!!!

i’m also becoming a royal blue person?? this is my third royal blue accessory i’ve bought this season. getting crazy with it!

But really – I have to be curious about everything because everything counts. How I treat my evolving taste preferences has to be the same way I treat my evolving working style – at least in the sense that it all ultimately ladders up to my own concept of self. If I can entertain the idea that I might not be a chocolate-only person until the day I die, I can entertain the idea that I can overhaul my habits, that my work can be drastically different (maybe even meaningful!), that I can change my life in small but significant ways. And that, possibly, that those things are not just different, but good.

I’m continuously reminded that it’s not actually about accepting said evolution in its entirety, but embracing each step as it comes. I’m not changing my schedule overnight. I’m getting curious, making small adjustments, testing, tracking, validating. I feel my lens of curiosity widening, which is a strong indication that I’m moving in the right direction. Which direction? I guess I’ll find out.

Introducing: HABITUATION

The unsexy but deeply potent work of the everyday—my new series probing the little moments that add up in a day to ask: is this really how I want to live?

I’ll spend the next several missives diving into the inner workings of my habits, what I’m thinking about and testing, and, ultimately, what feels like time well spent (and how to even define that).

It’s been a very long time since I ran a series on here, and I’m STOKED. Hope you are too <3