Living in discovery

A perhaps slightly more coaxing approach to "Be afraid and do it anyway."

I didn’t know exactly what I was scared of in moving to Germany. A few things were obvious – being immersed in a language I barely know, not having friends or support on the ground, the general unease of creating a life in a foreign country – but mostly, I was aware that there was going to be plenty of difficulty and I just didn’t know yet what it would be. 

It is very easy to be scared of things you can’t see because it’s easy to know you should be scared/anxious/stressed. It is reasonable to predict, based on past experiences, that something will be difficult in any of these ways. It is reasonable to predict that moving to a foreign country will be hard. So you just let yourself be unspecifically afraid. Because, in all honesty, that feels safe. 

I just came across this quote from Rick Rubin (idk how I feel about him, that’s not the point): Living in discovery is at all times preferable to living through assumptions.

How often do assumptions feel better than discoveries? Safer, probably, but not better. 

I’ve been toying with this concept with my work. It has been, admittedly, felt pretty boring to me as of late. I have found myself dreading the work more often than not and assuming that certain work will be unpleasant and draining. 

What could possibly feel better than warm curry and being sent chocolates from your mom an ocean away?

Guess what: if I assume something is going to be unpleasant, it’s a hell of a lot likelier to be unpleasant. Or, at the very least, the lead-up to whatever I’m dreading will be filled with dread and that in and of itself is unpleasant. You get the point. 

I am self-employed largely because it gives me so much control and agency. I get to choose when I work. I also get to choose how I work. The how includes my feelings. If I write off a work day before it’s even started, I’ve already lost the day.

But to improve upon these negative assumptions, I don’t even need to go as far as assuming I will have a great day. I only need to be curious. I need to be open to the possibility that it won’t suck. Maybe I will discover something unexpected about this day. Maybe it will be good just because it feels good for no particular reason. Maybe it will be fine and that’s fine.

Living with this kind of curiosity is so much more invigorating than living with assumptions. It’s just the same as flipping your what-if. Instead of “What if I can’t?”, ask, “What if I can?” What if I fail succeed beyond anything I can imagine? What if it goes badly great? 

This shift in perspective played a big role in the rules I made for myself. Which leads into another insight from Mr. Rubin. He talks about how starting something new requires a certain degree of blind faith that it will work out, that it will be worth the effort in some way. But once you’ve started, you’re working with experimental faith. You’ve already taken the first step, sight unseen. After the first step, you’ve seen a little bit of it and you’ve chosen to keep going. It’s informed faith. 

So while I might not know how things will work out in Germany, I have informed faith. I’ve moved to places where I don’t know anyone before. I’ve learned a language before. I’ve changed my life before. The faith in my ability to adapt to life in Germany is informed by that. It’s a blind leap of faith coasting on my past experiences and successes. 

It’s important to remember you have accomplished so much more than you realize. Take it from someone who has to celebrate every little interaction. When you live in a foreign country, successfully navigating any conversation in the native language feels like an enormous win, be it fetching a package from your elderly neighbors or making a hair appointment (I just did both those things, please clap). But it doesn’t need to be in a foreign language for it be celebration-worthy.

Any little thing that you do all the way, with your full self at the center, is worthy. It doesn’t matter what comes of it or what happens next. It doesn’t matter if it’s celebrated by anyone else. And all of that – the guts it took to do the thing and the informed faith it brings you – it all comes with you. And it is what buttresses your next leap of faith. 

So I keep going. I choose curiosity over assumption. I wander instead of trudge. And I hold it all within me as I take my next step.

Small and meaningful joys lately: experimenting with different matcha flavors and soaking up every moment of sun